Restless

It's been a couple of weeks since I've started feeling unsettled.  Things still haven't changed.  I feel I'm completely shutting myself off again.  The last time this happened, at the very height of this restlessness, I stopped talking at home.  I'd spend my days locked up in my room in the dark.  My mom panicked and dragged me to a psychiatrist.  I went once, never went back.  I know I'm not insane, well I am, but not that kind of insane.  The really good thing about now is I'm able to recognize the signs, I'm just not sure if I can fix it quickly, or just let it run it's course.  I know a part of me is unhappy, but I'm still optimistic.  If I can resolve that unhappy feeling, then I can be myself again. 

I've been staying indoors more than normal, locked up in my room.  Mike is worried, and although I have told him otherwise, I'm sure he still thinks he did something wrong.  It helps that there's another person involved, I have to force myself to not be selfish.  Even if I just want to shut everything out, I can't.  That's a good thing.  I have a harder time doing it at work.  I try to switch off when I'm at work but I can't, most of them kind of get it that I don't want to be disturbed though, so that's good.

I usually focus on something when I get this way.  Last time, it was a journal.  I wrote everything in that journal, no matter how trivial, and then I'd read it over and over.  Like I'm reliving the days when I've shut myself out.  Now, I spend most of my time watching movies, anime, reading manga comics.  The last one was too emotionally packed for me, and now I'm worse than ever. 

Really, all I want to do right now is curl up into a ball and go to sleep. 

When I woke up from the last episode, I found I've moved countries, had myself a husband, living an uncomplicated life.  I wonder where I'll find myself this time?

Tossing and Turning

I'm not myself lately.  Of course I'm me, I'm just not all there at the moment.  There's this nagging feeling that I could do so much more than waste away doing the same thing everyday.  This was the same feeling that prompted my move to London.  Everything that's happened while living here has been an eye opener, a truly amazing experience.  I catch myself staring blankly into nothing most of the time, my mind a million miles away from what I'm supposed to be doing.  I am drained, everyday I wake up without any desire to face the day.  I am constantly irritable, snapping at the simplest of questions.  Of course this could just be hormones, I am hoping it goes away soon.  I have a sneaking suspicion that it won't. 

I'm feeling restless again. 

Shoo Fly Shoo Fly Don't Bother Bee

I got a call from my mom today asking me if there was anything wrong.  Still half asleep, I mumbled something about my tooth still hurting.  And then she mentioned Bwisit Bee.  Wow, ma, you're finally connected to the world wide web!  Alas, no.  My semi stalker texted my mom to tell her that my blog title was offensive to my mom.  And that she felt sorry for my mom.  And that she was shocked at my treatment of my mother.  My mother, not understanding what was wrong, called me to check and see if I was ok.

This is not the first encounter that we've had from this person.  We've just ignored her for the most part because we thought she was just loopy.  It turns out this woman has been keeping tabs on what I do.  She's obsessed with what is happening with my mom and me for some unknown reason.  Baket?  Artista ba kame?  I realize that maintaining a blog doesn't really give me the right to harp on about invasion of privacy.  My posts are afterall available on the web.  I write my posts for me, and for the people who know my humor or the lack of it.  So no, Bwisit Bee is not because I have angst towards my mom, on the contrary,  it's a term of endearment.

I've changed the name to spare my mother from another "innocent" text.

Now to the real bwisit, shoo, go away, we don't want you here.