Supersize Me

 


I am paraniod of getting fat...again. I'm constantly worried that I'll pile on the pounds and become extra large again. I have lived with being fat for years. Eversince I can remember. My weight has yo-yoed for the most part of my life. I have received my share of the fat stigma. I have been called names, pinched, laughed at, and pitied.

After I lost the weight, I felt so much better. Physically, mentally, emotionally and every sort of *ally's* I can think of. Inside however, I still felt fat. Living with myself for years, then suddenly shedding half of me... It takes a while getting used to it.

I am still living with being fat. The struggle to be thin in my mind is a constant battle for me. Sad but true. 

Last Days of Singledom

Only a few days left until I relinquish my female freedom. I am getting married. I surprise myself for writing this, as it has been a well kept secret, except for a few of my good friends. Not all of them know when or why I am doing this. Not all of them would approve.

Should I be doing something to celebrate my single life? Or the end of it? Should I be sad...and scared that I am tying the knot? Honestly, I am not. I'm not scared, more apprehensive, about not knowing what will happen on that day. I always said I would never get married. I guess this is the only way that I would go down the aisle. Sudden, no long term planning, none of the jlo wedding planner sappiness every girl dreams about (or so everyone tells me).

Everything is simple. I went out with Cindy to buy my wedding dress yesterday. It was the first one I tried on. It just fit perfectly. I was surprised at how easy it was...no mess...no queuing at the dressing room. If only life were this simple. Then again, my world is different. Who else could say if only life were as simple as picking out a wedding dress? I've been to my friend's fitting for her wedding gown (oh it was a gown alright...took 3 of us to carry her train while she was going to the loo). Shoes weren't a problem. Everything I wanted to try on, they had it in stock. Now a size 3 does not come in stock in London cobbler's that often, so it was a good day for shoe shopping as well.

Tomorrow, Mike and I will be shopping for an engagement ring. Yes, only in my wacky upside down world...everything comes first, and the engagement ring comes last. Heck, you know what? I love it.

I am a protector guardian

I was chatting with my friend Roel today. One smart bloke that guy. Even when he was punching walls *it's my hobby, it relaxes me* (don't ask) back when we were both in Trend Micro, I knew he was no ordinary guy. Fast forward years later, he's free lancing, I'm jobless and we're still having our chat sessions about life. So he points me to this website http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp Take the test he tells me.

I am an iSfJ, a protector guardian. The primary desire of the Protector Guardian is to be of service to others, but here “service” means not so much furnishing others with the necessities of life (the Provider’s concern), as guarding others against life’s pitfalls and perils, that is, seeing to their safety and security. There is a large proportion of Protectors in the population, perhaps as much as ten percent. And a good thing, because they are steadfast in their protecting, and seem fulfilled in the degree they can insure the safekeeping of those in their family, their circle of friends, or their place of business.

Protectors find great satisfaction in assisting the downtrodden and can deal with disability and neediness in others better than any other type. They go about their task of caretaking modestly, unassumingly, and because of this their efforts are not sometimes fully appreciated. They are not as outgoing and talkative as the Providers, except with close friends and relatives. With these they can chat tirelessly about the ups and downs in their lives, moving (like all the Guardians) from topic to topic as they talk over their everyday concerns. However, their shyness with strangers is often misjudged as stiffness, even coldness, when in truth these Protectors are warm-hearted and sympathetic, giving happily of themselves to those in need.

Their quietness ought really to be seen as an expression, not of coldness, but of their sincerity and seriousness of purpose. Like all the Guardians, Protectorss have a highly developed puritan work ethic, which tells them that work is good, and that play must be earned-if indulged in at all. The least hedonic of all types, Protectors are willing to work long, long hours doing all the thankless jobs the other types seem content to ignore. Thoroughness and frugality are also virtues for Protectors. When they undertake a task, they will complete it if at all humanly possible; and they know the value of material resources and abhor the squandering or misuse of these resources. Protectors are quite content to work alone; indeed, they may experience some discomfort when placed in positions of authority, and may try to do everything themselves rather than insist that others do their jobs.

With their extraordinary commitment to security, and with their unusual talent for executing routines, Protectors do well in many careers that have to do with conservation: curators, private secretaries, librarians, middle-managers, police officers, and especially general medical practitioners. To be sure, the hospital is a natural haven for them; it is home to the family doctor, preserver of life and limb, and to the registered nurse, or licensed practical nurse, truly the angels of mercy. The insurance industry is also a good fit for Protectors. To save, to put something aside against an unpredictable future, to prepare for emergencies—these are important actions to Protectors, who as insurance agents want to see their clients in good hands, sheltered and protected.

Famous iSfJ's are
Louisa May Alcott
Alfred, Lord Tennyson
Queen Elizabeth II of England
Robert E. Lee
Queen Mary I ("Bloody Mary") of England
Johnny Carson, comedian
Jerry Seinfeld
Kristi Yamaguchi, US Olympic figure skater
Mother Theresa

Who knew eh? Oh and Roel? He's the Mastermind.

Yes but No but Yes

Why can't people (including me) just be happy? Why is there always a **but**?
You can do better...you can be happier...

I have found an amazing person, or as he points out...he found me. He is warm... gentle... generous... kind... giving... loving... patient... but. He is not like me. He never finished school...he works in a kitchen...he is not educated by traditional means...and...he's not rich.

*Are you sure about this?* *You can do so much better than him you know* *You are stepping down from your uppercrust existence* *I just don't want you to waste your life...* Words from people I love...people who care about me...people who are scared for me.

I am living a rich life. Not in the richness that money can give, so by modern standards I am poor...but. I am living a rich life. I have someone who cares for me. I have someone I care for...not because we'd give up our lives for each other, but because we want to live longer so we can be together longer.

I am happy...but. be happy for me too.

He assaulted me!

 
I was doing my weekend grocery shopping today, and there was a commotion at my local grocer. Apparently, a male pensioner threw a shopping basket over the head of this girl. So that was where I found them, by the potato section (where else!?), with the girl screaming bloody murder. *You assaulted me! This is assault! LOOK at me NOW!!! and apologize to me! You hit me over the head with that BASKET!* He very well may have hit her on the head with the basket, intentionally or not, I don't know. Anyway, the great big burly attendant finally pulled the screaming girl off the frail elderly man, and she got thrown out of the store. *HE assaulted ME!!! You should be throwing HIM out!* That should have been the end of that, but of course in this crazy wacky world of grocery shopping on a saturday afternoon... She ran back inside, grabbed a shopping cart, and rammed it in the man while he was backed up in a corner. So she kept on doing this, all the while screaming *I hope you die! I hope you die!* and then she walked out. Oh yeah, this woman...who was assaulted...was twice the size of me. And the man? he was half my size. What was so disturbing about the whole scene was that no one even bothered to help. Yeah...everyone just stood there and gawked. The man was alright by the way, he was surprised when I asked him if he was alright. He thanked me for *bothering to stop and ask an old pensioner to see if I'm alright.* And then he said...*I hope she doesn't go and abuse someone else.* And so my day of grocery shopping ends. 

The River Cafe

I recently had dinner at The River Cafe with my mom, Mike and Uncle Bia. It was one of the best meals I've ever had in my life. For starters we had the calamari ai ferri, and spaghetti ai vongole. The squid was perfectly grilled; it tasted sweet and just the right amount of seasoning. The chilli brought out the taste of the squid, and the hot chilli complimented it just right. The rocket leaves were fresh, peppery with just the right sharpness, drizzled with just a little olive oil. Yum yum. The spaghetti was cooked just right (al dente for those of you foodies), not too chewy but not too soggy either. The clams and zucchini were just right, seasoned perfectly, and the wine sauce was amazing. Heaven I tell you. For mains, I had salmone selvatica al sale. I've never had baked salmon so good before. I am now converted back to salmon. The sides were equally as amazing. I never thought I would rave so much about roast peppers (i hate yellow peppers btw) and cannellini beans, but everything about this dish just blended together perfectly. My mom had branzina ai ferri. PERFECT. Grilled sea bass, seasoned perfectly, flaky and juicy (which I don't think is a superlative that you usually use with fish dishes...) A little drizzle of olive oil and fresh lemon juice. So simple yet so great. The zucchini fritters cooked just right with a light batter, crispy and just provided the right amount of coating to the veg. Michael had the san pietro al forno. A large serving of john dory grilled, again, to perfection. Flaky, seasoned just right, and together with the potatoes and porcini mushroom every bite was visibly enjoyed by my better half. My uncle had the Coscia d' Agnello and although he was on a diet, I must say he devoured his meal heartily. The lamb was pink and very juicy. The veg was cooked just right, still with a bite but not too crunchy to be considered underdone. I especially liked the beetroot. The amazing thing about the whole thing is that I loved all the things that I wouldn't normally eat. I hate beetroot, and yellow peppers, and I don't eat beans nor zucchini. This whole meal was just full of superlatives.

Dessert was alright, considering that we are not dessert people, we just had to try it. The River Cafe' Lime Tart definitely is one to try, especially for those of you who like key lime pie. This was just so tart, yet balanced with the right amount of sweetness, and you could taste how fresh the limes were. The pannacotta with grappa & raspberries (I fail horribly at making pannacotta in class...I just could never get the right amount of gelatine to save my life) was not too soft, not too hard, and it was grappa all the way. The blackberry sorbet was the best damn sorbet I've ever had. And the coffee? It was the best.

I went to this restaurant expecting nothing, and I got the best meal of my life. 

Thank you Cindy...you've brought my Sad back

I have found a long lost friend. A very very very dear friend whom I spent most of my formative years with aka the-woe-is-me-teenage-years. We went to a summer trip in Taiwan together, me with braces and all, and faced a world of endless bickering, bitching, ouiji boards, boys and friendship. I still have the pictures, they're still kept safe. We spent the last months after highschool graduation practically joined at the hip. We went to driving school together. I feel asleep at the wheel. The driving instructor was livid, she found it hilarious. We went to the same uni...and then... Stuff happens when you grow up, things that may break strong bonds and drive people apart. So much so that they feel they can never go back to being in the same room with the person that they've shared almost everything with (I say almost because we've never shared boys which is a relief because we'd be in the loony bin what with all the major assholes we've had between us). It is a relief for me then, to find out that what I thought was lost forever was in fact always there. We just had to grow apart for awhile, to see things without being joined at the hip, to feel things that might not have been as bad if we were together. We just had to grow up separately and find our own way, our own friends, our own world. Are we better persons because of it? Did it do us good to allow the pettiness to drive us apart? Yes...because now that we've found each other again, we know how much more this means to each of us. We have so much more to share because we know so much more. We know we are our own person, we each have our own thoughts about life, we know we don't always have to be together to be good friends. How do I feel about reconnecting? Like having coffee on a wonderfully lazy and breezy afternoon, having a nice long drag from your cigarette (ok ok I AM trying to quit) on a remote island (that you've bought with your own hard earned, sweat filled, up-yours savings) with all of your nearest and dearest alongside you. My circle is complete. I have found Sad, and I am overjoyed.

It's not easy being jobless. The more I stay at home the more I feel depressed. I try not to think about it, you create your own mindset, but... I tend to compare myself with people my age...oh look they've got such a great job... oh look they're working... oh look they've got a life... ah shadaaaap my inner voice says. Really, I can't help it. Ohhhhhhhhhhh I hope this is all worth it man...

Expenses...expenses...expenses. I've been organizing my accounts (boring!) but I have to. I'm becoming a responsible adult (finally). And so what do I find? Everything is so godamn expensive. Bills bills bills. Now I'm starting to think it was better the way I had it before. Nah. Not really. This way I can see where I can cut my spending. Apart from the basics, I don't really spend as much as I thought so that's good. Which means trying to survive alone is costing me a heckofalot of money. Dang. I need a job soon.

Finally have my internet connection up. Had to pick up my modem from royal mail. Mistakenly thought I needed to pick it up at the local post office. When I asked the guy behind the bullet proof window where the royal mail delivery was...he promptly replied with gibberish that was definitely not english. He started waving his arms around wildly (which suited his look entirely I might add), and proceeded to shoo me away. "kent yuu zee ahm beezee?!?!?" while he was shaking his head from side to side. Dang! I was just asking for directions. Admittedly, it wasn't the right place to ask for directions to royal mail, and I should have checked online for the directions. So that's why they have those bullet proof windows...they definitely need it. What normal person accepts the job title of customer service personnel if they don't want to help at all? Besides, if you're working in the UK, in the post office, which is a service for clients who mainly have ENGLISH as their first language, you'd think you'd want to learn how to speak english to converse. Impossible. Finally got directions from the guy selling bananas across the street from the post office. Well how about that eh? They should just switch places, better than having that monkey behind the window.

So after all that...got my modem. Got connected. Here we go.