Restless

It's been a couple of weeks since I've started feeling unsettled.  Things still haven't changed.  I feel I'm completely shutting myself off again.  The last time this happened, at the very height of this restlessness, I stopped talking at home.  I'd spend my days locked up in my room in the dark.  My mom panicked and dragged me to a psychiatrist.  I went once, never went back.  I know I'm not insane, well I am, but not that kind of insane.  The really good thing about now is I'm able to recognize the signs, I'm just not sure if I can fix it quickly, or just let it run it's course.  I know a part of me is unhappy, but I'm still optimistic.  If I can resolve that unhappy feeling, then I can be myself again. 

I've been staying indoors more than normal, locked up in my room.  Mike is worried, and although I have told him otherwise, I'm sure he still thinks he did something wrong.  It helps that there's another person involved, I have to force myself to not be selfish.  Even if I just want to shut everything out, I can't.  That's a good thing.  I have a harder time doing it at work.  I try to switch off when I'm at work but I can't, most of them kind of get it that I don't want to be disturbed though, so that's good.

I usually focus on something when I get this way.  Last time, it was a journal.  I wrote everything in that journal, no matter how trivial, and then I'd read it over and over.  Like I'm reliving the days when I've shut myself out.  Now, I spend most of my time watching movies, anime, reading manga comics.  The last one was too emotionally packed for me, and now I'm worse than ever. 

Really, all I want to do right now is curl up into a ball and go to sleep. 

When I woke up from the last episode, I found I've moved countries, had myself a husband, living an uncomplicated life.  I wonder where I'll find myself this time?