My weekly epiphany

The good and bad thing about not having a job is loaaaads of time. I've been without a job for almost a year and it has screwed up my brain pretty bad. You start out feeling sorry for yourself, there is nowhere to go when you wake up in the morning, and you try to fill your days with mundane things that seem to be the most important to you (but not everyone else because they have jobs). See, the thing about not working for a long time is that people who have the power to hire you now think *well why haven't you been working for so long anyway?*, so everything becomes a catch 22. I need a job, you won't hire me because I haven't had a job for so long. *Sigh*

Oh yeah, I said good and bad. So the good part is I've been having epiphanies about myself for so long. My weekly epiphanies I call them. I know more about myself now than I ever have for years. Why do I let things that annoy me slide until I reach saturation point and get pissed off as hell? My mom does that, and I've been watching her do it for years. I think people call it patience. My tolerance level is so high that I can let things slide for years, until I get so pissed off that I threaten to call the cops on you (ok I did that just once...)

I'm not comparing myself to them, they are in a league of their own, but the great masters of the last millenium had loads of time to think and ponder. Gravity, the periodic table, astronomy lalalalah. I'm just grateful that I use the time that I have to analyze myself, otherwise I'd have gone out of my mind a long time ago. Hmm...then again I know loads of people who'd say that I am out of my mind. Oh well...

What else did I find out about myself? I was really good at my job back home, because I enjoyed mentoring the people who worked for me. I sucked at my job because I did everything myself; I didn't trust anyone else to do the job (I know...that's baaaad) I hated my job because of the damn politics...therefore ergo I will never ever be a good politician and will never aspire to be so. Sadly, politics make the world go 'round. The people I dislike most are the ones with no heart (I think that says it all). I married my husband because he has loads of heart...and he gives good hugs.

I love cooking, but I will never be a Gordon Ramsey or Thomas Keller, because the kitchen is populated with neurotic people like me, except they're high on drugs (Jamie Oliver is right when he says cocaine is rife in the kitchen...) My ex kitchen colleagues will hate me when they read this, because it is a secret that is kept within the confinement of the kitchen. Foodies and michelin star fans would be surprised at the amount of drugs that pass through the people making their foie gras. Imagine a neurotic artiste' obsessed with creating the perfect dish, throwing away a perfectly good meal because the rocket leaves are too big, or too small, too green or something like that, all the while screaming at the poor minion who was unfortunate enough to hand the salad leaves to the nuclear head chef. Now imagine the same thing except that the head chef is high on drugs. Scary. I have an admiration for the people who excel in the field of cooking, even more admiration if they've managed to stay clean their whole career. Now I know I can work in a kitchen, and be good at it, but I'm not sure if I will last that long. In my kitchen at home, I can create wonderful dishes that my husband raves about. I am content with that (for now).

I do know that I am obsessed with art. I love my pastels, acrylic, watercolour and everything that I can get my hands on to draw, and paint, and create. I am angry at myself for not realizing this sooner (like when I was choosing my degree back in uni). I now have two degrees, and am thinking of getting another one. My mom will go beserk when she finds out about this, as I cannot tell her that I am on a lifelong quest to find what I really want to do because she has had only 2 jobs all her life, and was and still is hugely successful at it (I know why I am like this and it has something to do with my dear old dad).

So what to do now? Ah...that I haven't thought of yet.